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Life As We Know It: February 11, 2013

       An automotive expert for Consumer Reports was discussing the gas pedal problems that prompted Toyota to recall certain vehicles and shut down production of others. His advice to owners who experienced any such problems with their vehicle: “Don’t drive it anymore and take it to your dealership.”

        Fine, but who’s going to help push it in?

        It reminds me of a word game I play with my grandson, in which we try to come up with lines no human has ever spoken before. “Hand me that piano” is my favorite.

        ***

        I had to laugh at an item in The Blade’s entertainment section a while back about a clairvoyant visiting Toledo as part of her “Message From Beyond” tour. That’s kind of funny right there, but the item said she would “appear” at 7:30 p.m. I hope her fans showed up on time because there was no mention when she disappears.

        ***

        And what’s up with the expression “went missing”? I don’t remember encountering that one until recent years. Now I hear it all the time. If makes about as much sense as saying “he turned up missing.” Well, if he turned up, he isn’t missing.

        ***

        Here’s one more indication we’re all doomed. A highway sign in Europe reads: “Emergency Services, 164 kilometers ahead.”

        My advice: try to stop the bleeding and drive really fast.

        ***

        By the way, how come a car has to have a muffler but a motorcycle can make all the noise it wants?

        ***

        I noticed in the TV listings some time ago that a Billy Graham special was followed by a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Shouldn’t it have been the other way around? You know, check out the babes and then get religion?

        ***

        One more thing I never knew: law firms in China, unlike their American counterparts, can call themselves anything they choose. Here in the United States, law firms which list surnames in their titles generally have people by those names who work there or did before they retired or died.

        But in China anything goes, which is why there’s a law firm called Bright and Right. There’s no Ms. Bright and no Mr. Right. The firm’s founding partner, Michael Liu, just liked the sound of Bright and Right better than his own name. So he went with Bright and Right in lieu of, well, Liu.

        Bright is apparently a popular choice in China, which also has a Broad and Bright law firm, another called All Bright, and yet another called Ever Bright. One of China’s largest law firms is called King and Wood. The firm is Kingless and Woodless but the name does convey leadership and strength.

        This got me thinking.

     What if the legal profession in this country were allowed to operate under the same rules? If I’m going to sue somebody, I’m going to call “Smart, Swift, and Victory” before I dial up “Smith, Smith, and Jones.”

        How long would it be before some law firm renamed itself “The Dream Team”? Hey, it worked for O.J. Simpson.

        Of course, we must make mention of that venerable and presumably fictitious American law firm so ridiculed in the old joke: Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. Just think, they could give Mr. Cheatum and Mr. Howe nice golden parachutes, nudge them out the door, and rename themselves Dewey, Fite, and Wynn.

        Just a thought. But I bet their billable hours would go up.

       - Tom Walton

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