Life As We Know It: November 11, 2013

          If you are like me, your computer e-mail’s in-box gets loaded down with forwarded messages that have already been viewed by so many others you feel you’re the only person in America who hasn’t seen them. Sometimes it takes 10 minutes just to scroll down through all the forwards.

         Cute pictures of sleeping babies. The travails of growing older. Jokes, good ones and bad ones. Puzzles that guess the animal you’re thinking of. Tricks that deceive or play with your mind. Someone’s monumental embarrassment shared via a YouTube link. That kind of stuff.

         I usually give them a quick read and move them along – to the folks on my mailing list if they’re good, to the trash bin if they’re not.

         I got one the other day I liked so much I decided to share it. If in fact I was indeed the last person in America to see it, forgive the intrusion. Somebody very clever took note of the corporate mergers making the news so often lately and came up with a new list of his or her own potential mergers.

         They all make sense, and I just wish I’d thought of them. Here they are:

         Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. could merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. Amen, brother.

         Polygram Records could merge with Warner Bros. and Nabisco Crackers to become Poly Warner Cracker.

         3M might merge with Goodyear and become MMMGood.

         Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Mountain Dew, and Dakota Mining could join forces and become Zip Audi Dew Da.

         Perhaps FedEx could merge with its competitor, UPS, and become FedUP.

         Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers could become Fairwell Honeychild.

         Knott’s Berry Farm, owned by Cedar Point’s parent company, Cedar Fair, could join with the National Organization for Women and become Knott Now!

         John Deere and Abitibi could become Deere Abi.

         Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil could consolidate and become Honey, I’m Home.

         Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining? The new company: Mine, All Mine.

         The possibilities here got me to thinking.

         What if ABC Warehouse, Def Leppard, Good Housekeeping, Inc., and the John Kennedy Library were to merge? The new company would be ABCDEFGHIJKL.

         The Behr paint people could merge with the Sara Lee company and North American Van Lines to become Behr-Lee Moving.

         MySpace, the Federal National Mortgage Association, and Burger King could band together to form My Fannie Mae Expand.

         A hospital drama could take advantage of a show that’s all the rage these days and become Dancing With the Scars. Or that old show about a bunch of 30-something pals could come back with a hospital theme: Friends and Enemas.

         I just hope merger mania never extends to the sports world. I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but for most fans old loyalties would die hard if the Cincinnati Reds, Chicago White Sox, and St. Louis Blues merged to become the Red, White, and Blues.

         What if the Shakespeare fishing gear folks merged with the Metropolitan Opera? They could become From Bard to Voice.

         Sorry about that. But at least it’s the last one.

         I think I need to lie down now. They’re bringing my meds.

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