Life As We Know It: January 13, 2014

        The news is pretty crummy these days. No great revelation there. Tensions continue in the Middle East. Our war in Afghanistan drags on. Washington seems forever paralyzed by partisan and petty bickering, and the news media are obligated to report lots of stuff that does nothing to moderate winter’s chill.

        If my e-mail is any indication, people are suffering from illness and fatigue. They are sick and tired of it all. They look for anything that will cheer them up.

        So as a public service, I’m sharing a lengthy e-mail I received not long ago. It came from a friend, but the original author is unknown. On the one hand, its message is itself depressing, lampooning the foolishness that some folks fall for out there on the worldwide web. But it also shows the resiliency and good humor of folks determined to ride out the bad times and make the best of their situation.

        With full credit to whoever came up with it, here’s my email:

        Dear Friends,

        I must send my thanks to whoever sent me a note about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

        I now scrub the top of every can of soda I open for the same reason.

        I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 82nd time.

        In fact all my money is gone but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates, Microsoft, and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

        Or, I’ll receive it from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died.

        I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,426 angels looking out for me, and the pope’s novena has granted my every wish.< /o:p>

        I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

        Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

        Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

        I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat while I’m filling up.

        And I don’t go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a cologne sample and rob me, or somebody else will pull out a gun and start shooting.

        I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, and Singapore.

        Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death.

        And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the $5 bill I found dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex pervert waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

        If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large peacock with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

        Let me close my EMAIL by noting that a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQs who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

        Don’t bother taking it off now. It’s too late.