Life As We Know It: May 5, 2014

      Life. It happens every day. Several cases in point:
      We were fortunate not long ago to cruise aboard the Oasis of the Seas, the world’s largest cruise ship. It was a magnificent experience, but they were still working out the glitches here and there.
      The daily bulletin listed the time and place for a “towel-folding” class, which sounded like fun because our cabin attendant was so skilled at folding a towel into the shape of an animal -- a dog one night, an elephant the next, a turtle after that.
      We arrived at the designated place at the designated time, no easy task on a ship so large. We were greeted at the door by a priest in full vestments. “Are you folks here for the mass or the towel-folding,” he asked.
      “Forgive me, Father,” I said, “for I have sinned. We’re here for the towel folding.”
      He said a mistake had been made in the bulletin and he didn’t know where the towel-folding class was. Mea culpa. Mea culpa.
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      Speaking of folding things, why is it that no matter how many times I try, I can never fold a fitted sheet just right?
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      Did you know that “stewardesses” is the longest word that can be typed with just the left hand on a standard keyboard. I’d like to tell you I figured that out after months of trial and error at the computer, but that would be a lie.
      Also, the only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is “uncopyrightable.” However, except in the most technical sense, I’m not sure that’s even a legitimate word. If you have to attach a prefix and a suffix to invent a new word and make a point, is it really a word?
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      Child abuse, spousal abuse, animal abuse -- all are terrible things, but all have organizations devoted to fighting them. What about language abuse. Am I the only one worried about it?
      The Rev. Jeremiah Wright, once President Obama’s minister, was lamenting the shoddy treatment he said he got from the President, quote, “When Obama threw me under the bus, he threw me under the bus literally” unquote.
      Really? I’m happy the reverend survived such a horrifying act, but where was the public outcry calling for the President’s indictment?
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      Here’s one more, an actual quote from a professional baseball player reacting to the trade of a teammate:
      Quote: “I got a text from a teammate, and he was like, ’What are we doing?’ And I was like, ’Didn’t we get Halladay?’ And he was like, ’Yeah. But we traded Lee.’ And my mouth dropped like, ’That wasn’t part of the deal.’”
      Wow. My mouth is, like, dropping too. And I don’t, like, like it.
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      Finally, here’s one more sign we’re all doomed. A 29-year-old man down in Newark, Ohio, was arrested for drunk driving after crashing his motorized bar stool. Apparently these things are popular. You can order a kit on the internet and build your own. They even race them, although I imagine they’d be awfully top-heavy even when you’re sober.
      The guy claimed his stool will tool along at 40 miles per hour but insisted he was only going 20 when he wrecked it. Authorities confiscated it and auctioned it off on eBay to help cut into a shortfall in his child support payments of some $37,000. Mr. Leadfoot also did his three days in jail.
      Do you suppose there’s a drive-through lane at his favorite tavern?
      Have a good Cinco de Mayo, everyone, and if you’re celebrating on a bar stool, please don’t drive it anywhere.